How Very Disappointing Is Your Leg Heather Mills!

I don’t have anything against Billy Ray Cyrus, his newly found passion for writing, or that silly tween show on Disney that he does with his daughter. It’s kinda endearing actually, the whole father-daughter thing, not Billy Ray’s signature high-maintenance do with highlights and a shapely coif that looks like it demands way too much upkeep. Truthfully, I always kinda resented the singer for getting me to care about his Achy Breaky Heart (didn’t I have love troubles of my own?) but was he not at one point also the man who brought back country line dancing? And if I’m not mistaken, isn’t that a form of dancing?

Well, on last night’s Season 4 premiere, Billy Ray Cyrus definitely struck out in the dancing department, but surprisingly made me laugh a bit. Something I haven’t wholeheartedly done since George Hamilton back in Season 2. Unfortunately, I don’t think Cyrus will last as long as Hamilton did, but pulling off partner Karina Smirnoff’s mullet wig provided some comic relief in an otherwise snoozefest of a 2-hour premiere. Especially given Karina’s newly sculpted nose. Now if only that would melt off and drizzle down into the concave cavity between the silicone. I guess partnering up with Mario Lopez does have its advantages…

My crush of this season (and I usually have one or two) is Joey “The Fat One” of N’Sync. Who would have thunk a child Pop singer would emerge the most grounded of the group? I think judging from last night’s show and the judges’ scores, Fatone will do well this season. He was definitely the best dancer, if not the most entertaining. Only second to Cyrus, of course.

Other standouts of last night’s premiere included Ian Ziering, our resident 90210 Steve who may not have lucked out with Kelly, but seems to have taken quite a fancy to his partner Cheryl. Did you know this guy is like 43 years-old already?

And speaking of golden age, Leeza Gibbons (who would look like a plastic surgery nightmare disaster on any other show except this one) came on last night claiming she was indeed the oldest female dancer there. And when we say old, we mean that “Sheercover” make-up line she’s endorsing doesn’t quite do her justice up-close.

But on to other older female naturally well-preserved stars. I’m sincerely hoping Paulina Porizkova doesn’t get kicked off soon since her body is so elegant it lends itself to this type of dance. She’s the type of person you look at thinking she was raised under that strict Eastern Block Communist athletic regimen and therefore how could she be that bad. Unfortunately as these things go, she is. Even next to Heather McCartney’s fake leg and Laila Ali’s bulging muscles that repel me, but actually impress my husband.

So Heather McCartney’s fake leg and all the disadvantages it would bring her was the big talk of the show, but in the end, she was a more capable dancer than a hybrid mutant dancer spawned by NBA star Clyde Drexler and former Miss USA Shandi Finnessey. Btw, no one’s fooled with the onscreen chemistry angle ABC is playing up between Finnessey and her partner Brian Fortuna. That guy is as straight as Michael Richards is likely to be touring the comedy show circuit anytime soon.

I thought Cliff from ”Cheers” was much better than I would have expected, as did the judges, but then they gave him a low score. Then again, most eyes aren’t on Ratzenberger anyways. One of the show’s biggest upsets is that Ashly DelGrosso/Costa isn’t back since she was among my most favorite female professional dancers.  But I guess she’s off promoting dietary supplements.

Apart from Joey Fatone and Ian Ziering, the judges see the most potential in Olympic Speed Skater Apolo Ohno and his partner Julianne. I don’t particularly love them, but I guess as this season’s premiere seemed to prove, there’s much room for improvement all around.

So that about wraps up my comments on the show this week. If you have any you’d like to add (like just how much botox does it take to paste Leeza Gibbons brow lines together or dispute then please take a shot in the comments area.

Stay tuned for Round 2 of  ”Dancing With The Stars” on March 26 and the promise of further prosthetic developments and hair mishaps. We wouldn’t miss it for an episode of “Heroes”! (eh…Ok. On second thought…)